It’s Not In Me

It’s not in me

To be 

Evil as thee 

Those that purposely 

Hurt me 

Those full of greed

Of me feed

At the same time they made me bleed 

They’ve sown a seed

Took advantage of others in need

Over the last few days 

I had to stay 

Stay away 

Away from those 

Those that chose

To stand on my pain 

Neglect me for gain 

In the last few days 

I’ve done differently then my yesterday’s 

I pull back 

Stopped in one track

Realized in me what I lack 

Lacking today 

The ability to sit, then pray

In God’s hand I had to lay

My mind in a bad state 

I had to lay a feeling in me growing as strong as I am long, hate 

I had to dig in my past 

Remember me in that moment of good, the very last

Last time I remembered how to believe 

I had to conceive 

That I had first had to ask 

Asking

Then believing 

Then Pulling back it’s upto God in the receiving 

He’s the finisher

He’s more than a punisher

He’s that teacher

Teaching those at fault 

Patience in me was sought

All up in it I wad caught 

Causing more pain to body

Against them all I was trying to lobby

Forgetting my soul in the past

Didn’t move so fast

Bumper cars

Leaves me with stars

Dazed 

And confused

Wanting to expose their fraud

So I can stand and applaud

Driven by the hurt 

I had to resort

In to my past remembering

The last 

Last time I feel good in the masses

My mind to classes

My heart believed

Of what I asked, then watched as I received

At that time still in a place 

Different battles I did however face 

One thing in common I forgot or left in that space 

Today as I retrace

Realizing the hate consumed me, it was shown on my face 

Going backwards 

Helps me go forward

Looking for direction

Scared as I look at my reflection 

How do I leave behind all the emotion

That falsified my caption

Read from 

Me 

The truth as I see

Don’t add no lines

Simply follow me as I try to define 

Gross negligence 

Accept my ignorance

Things I know

Things I wanna show

Things I wish I knew

That turns my face fucking blue

I don’t wanna mess up, then look stupid

I wanna win this there feud 

Implications

Of fraudulent actions 

That caused hate to be my reflection. 

To fuel my distraction. 

Anger my partner on this course

Both of us trying to force

Things to be as we see

Because I forgot it’s not about my ability 

To further be shunned

By emotions that have been reported 

When under the gun 

Firing back 

As those against me would attack

Fighting but scared of what I lack 

Filled with amunition 

Unbalanced because of the aggression

I’m the one 

Hurt as they pushed me around 

Caused me pain 

Bullied me to gain

Left me injured 

The each one conspired 

Left me fired

Mentally tired

To drain to complain 

In one spot I now remain 

In God’s hands now protected 

My God’s road elected

Now redirected 

Still unsure

But in God I adore

Asking 

Believing 

Then receiving 

A place uplifting 

No longer hating 

Myself or others 

No matter what color

Or flavor

No longer do I savor 

Thier salt 

Back to My God I default 

Remembering 

His ministering 

Married to my soul, deeply

Whispering softly

Watching over Patiently 

As I sleep, hearing his voice say,  “Just ask Me!’

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One thought on “It’s Not In Me

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